
Lifestyle coach: Life from a woman’s point of view with the writing of Katie
establish a new routine. making lists.
Read MoreThere are many events in life that come along, some good, others bad. But it’s the bad situations, the ones that create the most challenge, that we naturally struggle with. Learning how to deal with setbacks is therefore vitally important; those unexpected delays in our plans or the unplanned event which veers us off our planned trajectory. Our lives can very quickly lose their direction. We can start to drift, or just accept blindly what happens to us without any fight. There are, therefore, many important lessons to be learned from setbacks, both about how to deal with them when they happen, but also about their purpose in our lives. Recently I’ve gone through a personal setback. For many years I’ve had physical issues with my right knee and subsequently my whole leg. I’ve seen many physiotherapists who have tried to sort it out and guide me through the required exercises, but it has steadily got worse. This is partly due to my not really grasping the ramifications of how severe it could become if not dealt with properly. And also, I’ve recently come to learn, through incomplete advice from previous physios. As a result, I’m now trying to un-learn bad habits, deal with chronic pain, and get back into a healthy mindset, and body. But this setback I mentioned. Well over the summer I got ill. I’ve not been this ill in many years and I found myself in bed for a week and slowly recovering for another. I had terrible stomach flu and was incapable of eating or moving except to the loo. John, my lovely hubby, looked after me so well and I’m absolutely fine now. But all the hard work I’d been putting in with my exercises and strengthening my leg were gone. I felt like I was back at square one. The pain was worse. I just felt so weak, mentally and physically. And it’s honestly taken me a little while to get back on track. But I’m steadily getting there. Bit by bit. So how do we deal with setbacks? You tend to find that the most successful people are good at dealing with setbacks. They’ve learned how to take on life’s challenges and use them to project themselves further along their course, rather than trip them up and stop them in their tracks. It’s really all down to learned behaviours; are we defeatists, or are we optimists? Do we strive forwards towards our goals, or do we give in at every setback? If there is one thing that I’ve come to realise over the last year is that we choose our own destiny. Many people think that life just happens to us and we just roll with the punches and take things as they happen. Other people however have a more focused approach to life. They strive for certain goals regardless of how many times they are knocked down. They know what they want and they do whatever it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d probably say I fell into the roll with the punches category. But I’m trying to change my mindset and become more focused on what I really want and how I’m going to get there. Some tips on how to deal with setbacks There are many ways to deal with setbacks in our lives, some preemptive, and others remedial. Trying to get the preemptive ones in place will encourage you into a healthier mindset. They will certainly be something I aim to work on myself. Expect them No one, not one single person, goes through life without experiencing a setback of some kind. Whether it’s your health, a relationship, in business, or financial, we will all experience them. That doesn’t mean we go through life with a miserable outlook. No. It just means that when we push ourselves and when we strive forwards, we will meet resistance at some point. They are times of refinement, they challenge our resolve and give us an opportunity to grow. Acknowledge it Just as you must expect setbacks, you must also acknowledge them when they occur. The acceptance of what is allows you to make a way forward and out of your setback. Burying your head in the sand will not make it go away, nor will it make it any better. Taking ownership of what is happening in your life allows you to process what is going on, create a plan, and move forwards. No, you didn’t want or plan it, but it is happening. Grow from it, be better and allow the experience to improve you, not define you. Keep perspective Often, when we’re experiencing a setback, we can lose sight of the bigger picture. Our world closes in around us and all we can see is what is happening to us right now. We start to apportion blame, often in the wrong direction and dig ourselves a deep wallowing pit of despair. This is when we need to catch ourselves before the rapid decline into ‘woe is me’ territory. While it is important to assess how we came to be where we are, we must ensure that we look at the whole picture. A lot of the time we completely blame ourselves or others for our setback; either we cannot take responsibility for our part, or we pile it all upon someone else. Often, however, there are other contributing factors at play that have nothing to do with you or someone else specifically. Sometimes bad things just come our way and we must endeavour to grow through them. We cannot change what has already happened. But we can choose how we respond. It takes time Impatience is a quality that, I’m sure you’ll agree, many of us have on some level. Often, however, it’s these times of stress and setback that can rile up the ugly head of impatience and we put unnecessary pressure upon ourselves to be somewhere else. Change takes time. Changing direction in life is difficult. We must therefore be kind to ourselves and not rush into big decisions or react impatiently to where we think we ought to be. Allow yourself time to deal with your setback. Don’t wallow or get stuck where you encountered your setback. Rather assess what’s happening and take time to process it and heal through it. Often setbacks resolve themselves through time, others need more input from us, but impatience won’t get you there any faster. Think small Sometimes we can just feel stuck. Feeling overwhelmed by a setback and our new situation can stop us from being able to create a new path and move on. This is when we need to think more in the short term and create small steps that we can follow to help us get back on track. What can I do now to make the situation better? What could I do tomorrow or next week? When we only see the end goal and our distance from it we can very easily become disheartened and give up. It may feel easier to do nothing at the time, but eventually, this will catch up with you and you’ll still have the same problem to deal with, only harder. Small, manageable steps will get you there and you’ll grow with each one. Be ready to grow I’ve said this in numerous ways above; that through the process of how to deal with setbacks we will grow and develop. But more than this, we must also be ready to educate ourselves on purpose. When we are coming out of a setback, or in order to deal with it specifically, we must be ready to take on new knowledge. Many successful people don’t know everything about their business or dreams before they begin. They learn and absorb all they can about their passion as they go. If we are ready and willing to learn what we don’t yet know we will discover new pathways open up to us and our end goal isn’t so far off. Speak kindness The person we are the hardest on most of the time is ourselves. This is especially true when things don’t go right or how we planned or expected. Wherever you are, and however you got there, speak kindly to yourself. Disappointment is bitter and hurts. Self-doubt kills ambition and stalls progress. When you start to feel these things during a setback, don’t let them take hold. Remind yourself of all the hard work you’ve done already. Think about all your successes and the great experiences you’ve had up to this point. You’ll have more of those if you choose to focus on growth, progress, self-love, and making lemonade out of those lemons. Rely on something deeper When your setback really knocks you for six and you’re left reeling we can feel totally at sea and disconnected. We can feel completely helpless and think we lack the mental, physical or emotional strength to recover. This is when many people rely on something deeper to see them through. Faith can be the great sustainer through the most trying of times in our lives. The belief in something or someone bigger than ourselves can be what sustains and strengthens us, knowing that no matter how terrible things may be, we will get through it. You are unique and have so much to offer with your specific gift set, so draw from that deep well of faith knowing that you have so much to give in a way that only you can. John’s teaching this week covers this topic and provides further insight with his teaching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKiSpzP5cS4 Remember that it is through the fire that you are forged. Trials are a part of life, but if we embrace the lessons we will become stronger and better than we ever thought possible. Want to go even deeper? Then you can with our brand new course entitled “How to face challenges head-on.” Available at https://www.thebattlesweallface.com/product/how-to-face-challenges-head-on-full-course-step-by-step/
Read MoreDisappointment cuts deep, doesn’t it? When something doesn’t go the way we planned, or we don’t get the response we wanted, it can be a blow. We build up our expectations and when they are not met we falter. Unmet expectations can become crippling if we let them control us. When we set our expectations so high and they fall short we set ourselves up for disappointment. And yet it’s good to have goals and dream big. It’s also good to have standards that you live by. But when we impose those on others, or if we get so tunnel-minded about what is important to us, we can create a situation for ourselves. One that causes us, and others, harm. Expectations are dangerous if we let them get out of control. And what’s more, they say more about us than the person or situation that hasn’t met those expectations. How often do you feel frustrated, impatient, upset, disappointed, depressed, when your expectations are not met? It certainly doesn’t bring out the best in us or encourage positive, life-affirming attitudes within us. And often, especially if another person is involved, we take it out on them, blame them for the situation. But of course, it has nothing to do with them. Our disappointment isn’t their fault or the fault of the situation. It’s our own. And yet, unmet expectations are a reality. At some point, something isn’t going to go our way. So how do we face the unavoidable reality of unmet expectations? To answer that, we need to take a closer look at some of the causes. Know thyself We all have expectations, right? In relationships, work, life. By a certain age, I want to… or I want to marry such and such a man, or I want a relationship where we share the housework. You get the idea. We know there are certain things in life that we would love to achieve, or that we would find difficult to compromise on. But what is important is that you know what your own expectations are. You cannot endeavour to have a successful relationship or career if you don’t know your own limitations or expectations. But be careful! While it is important to have expectations with certain aspects of our lives, we must also allow for changing circumstances and learn to be flexible where we can. Don’t stifle creativity. Sometimes the unexpected is a good thing. Solution? Know who you are and what is important to you, and then let the rest flow. A breakdown in communications Unmet expectations are usually a sign that we have not communicated well. This is especially so in relationships. It’s so important that in any relationship we set up parameters for what we expect so that you are on the same page and mitigate the chance of arguments. These expectations should be set up at the start of the relationship and then maintained and tweaked as it progresses. We are not the same person we were ten years ago, nor are our life circumstances the same, so some flexibility is required. However, at the heart of it all is the ability to communicate with the people around us. If we end up on a different page, it’s usually because we haven’t discussed something important and our new expectations are not being met. It is also important that although we must communicate clearly, our expectations must be reasonable and mutually agreed upon. Compromise is important in any relationship, especially when you are committed to each other. But make sure that all persons involved are happy with the decisions that you make. Resentment breeds contempt. Solution? Talk it out. When you are open and honest you can avoid unmet expectations. However, if disappointment should arise, wait until you are both calm, and talk it out then. Don’t let it fester away. Be honest about your feelings and seek a solution together. It’s all take take take Expectations are about taking. They are therefore an inherently selfish thing. When we expect something of a situation or someone, we are setting up the parameters for what we believe should happen. We, therefore, can’t see past what we want to see and are let down by anything less. It displays a need for control and an unwillingness to see the value in other outcomes. When we set the bar unattainably high we encourage our own selfishness and omit the space for creativity, possibility, and surprise to grow. Solution? Consider the flip side of the taking coin. When we give, of ourselves, our time, resources, when we give freedom to other outcomes, we receive so much more in return. When you serve, give, work, without expectation of return, you will find that the people who surround you will respond freely, graciously, and generously. Give it a try. The pain of perfectionism Perfectionism is a right pain. Our expectations of ourselves and others are so high that when the standard isn’t met we are dashed by disappointment and regret. Perfectionism leaves no room for anyone or anything else. The need to control every little detail of a situation can become so all-consuming that all else is pushed out and we are left in the middle alone. The pressure we then feel, the worry, presses down and the only way we try to deal with it is to try to control it. And so the vicious cycle continues and threatens to consume us. It’s not a place we should aim to be. Solution? If you are inclined towards perfectionism, don’t try and let go cold-turkey. Ask yourself what it is that you feel the need to be in control of. Some may be little things and others bigger. Write them down in order of strength, 1 being the weakest need to control and 10 being the strongest need to control. Start with the weakest one and ask yourself why you are controlling it and why it must be perfect to your standards. Then think of ways to take a step back. Maybe change up your routine, ask someone to take over, think of other acceptable outcomes. Allow yourself to see that the change isn’t bad, it’s just different. Keep working on number 1 until you are calm and accepting. Then progress onto number 2 and do the same. Gradually you will release your need for perfectionism and the drain of unmet expectations will subside too. How to face the unavoidable reality of unmet expectations Knowing some of the causes of unmet expectations can help us to set up preventative methods in our lives that not only help us avoid creating situations where our expectations are unmet, but also just to live better lives. However, we will undoubtedly encounter times when we will feel disappointment due to an unmet expectation. A promotion at work that went by us, a competition we worked really hard for and came in anything other than first, the hope to be married and with children by a certain age. No matter how hard we try, we will still feel the bitter sting of things that haven’t gone our way. So how do we approach those times? It’s just one moment in your lifetime. Your life is made up of a succession of moments that join up to create your unique life story. We are a weave of good times and harder times, light and dark, and these momentary disappointments will pass. Remember to turn over the tapestry of your life and look at the beautiful picture you are creating. It all comes together. You are more than what is happening to you. It may not seem like it at the time, but remember that whatever is happening to you, whatever disappointment you are dealing with, it’s not all of who you are. It’s one event in the timeline of your life. If you allow this unmet expectation to define you and you dwell on it, you will only drag yourself down. You are more than this one thing. Focus on what you want Don’t remain in the past. What is done is done. Instead, focus on what you want to see. Goals are important, they are what drive us forward and encourage us to be our best selves. So when things don’t pan out entirely as you’d hoped, visualise your next step to getting back on track and get moving. Keep moving forward. Be ready to learn If we don’t learn from our disappointments we cannot seek ways to overcome them in the future. It will be a perpetually recurring issue where we encounter the same unmet expectations time after time. Note what went wrong, ask yourself the hard questions, and try a new approach. Flexibility and humility are key. Forgive others People will undoubtedly disappoint you. Even if you’ve set out agreed boundaries and you feel like you’re on the same page, people make mistakes or change and you’re left dealing with the fallout. What’s important is that you remember that we learn and grow through our mistakes. We are not perfect so we cannot expect others to be so. Leave room for mistakes and be ready to forgive them when they occur. Talk it out Sometimes we feel ashamed of things that happen in our lives. Particularly the things that we feel have blindsided us. Talking about it can lighten the load we carry. Disappointment is heavy but when we open up about what we are feeling we can lessen the load. New perspectives can be shared, comfort given, stability found and a way forward discovered. Don’t keep your unmet expectations to yourself. Freedom is found in sharing. You’re not alone The biggest thing to take away from all of this is that you’re not alone. We all experience unmet expectations in life, even the people who appear to have it all together. What we must endeavour to do is keep moving forwards and remain fixed upon goals you set yourself and with others. Yes, there will be deviations along the way, you must expect them and allow them to make you stronger. They will create colour and excitement, challenge and some pain, but they will ultimately make you, you. Unmet expectations are unavoidable, but we are together in that. P.S as a way to prepare for the rough times of life, John has created a brand new course called “How to face challenges head on”. You need to check this out! https://www.thebattlesweallface.com/product/how-to-face-challenges-head-on-full-course-step-by-step/
Read MoreLies. Positive mindset. Positive mindset quotes.
Read MoreWhen you think of people who have passed on, what is it that you remember most about them? In other words, what legacy did they leave behind? For some, it may be a fabulous skill, wonderful knowledge, a certain passion they followed. For others, it may be a personality trait; were they funny, serious, charismatic, gentle. Whoever we are in life, that is what people will remember us for. Having lost dear ones, my Father and three Grandparents, I have often thought about the people they were and the memories I hold of them. My Father and maternal Grandfather particularly got me thinking about the kind of legacy we leave behind. I was younger when I lost them, their loss affecting me in ways that I am better able to cope with today, ways I could better cope with when my paternal Grandparents passed. But the residing memory I have of them all is kindness. Regardless of what they did in life – jobs, hobbies, likes, and dislikes – the thing I remember most about them is their legacy of kindness. Daddie’s girl I was a Daddie’s girl, and by extension, a Grandpa’s girl too. I loved helping out with the renovation work my Dad did on our house. He was so patient and willing for me to help. I loved spending time with my Grandpa, his willingness to trail around all the swing parks in the local area, never becoming a chore. Just some of the little memories I hold dear now that I can’t hold them near. But the everlasting memory is of their kindness. Everyone who speaks of them does so in words of kindness because that is who they were. Kind. Gentle. Patient. Loving. They always had time for people, had genuine sincerity in their words and actions, and a willing smile on their faces. I’m not trying to put them on a pedestal, as I know it’s so easy to do with loved ones who are no longer with us. We remember them in almost saint-like ways and never remember any of their faults. I can’t honestly say I do remember the faults, but what I will say is that we remember most what impacted us the most. That’s why I remember their legacy of kindness. Because that is who they were. Who they still are to me. It got me thinking. What will my legacy be? Will it be a legacy of kindness? Will it be a life that impacts others? Loving coats! Martha served as a teacher’s aide at an elementary school for over thirty years. Every year, she saved money to buy new coats, scarves, and gloves for students in need. After she lost her fight with leukemia, we held a celebration of life service. In lieu of flowers, people donated hundreds of brand-new winter coats to the students she loved and served for decades. Many people shared stories about the countless ways Martha encouraged others with kind words and thoughtful deeds. Her fellow teachers honored her memory with an annual coat drive for three years after her life ended on this side of eternity. Her legacy of kindness still inspires others to generously serve those in need. Our Daily Bread, Xochitl Dixon, 27 June 2021 Actions speak louder than words? This wonderful story of a lady named Martha serves to illustrate the powerful impact we can have on the people we surround ourselves with. Martha saw a need and decided she could do something about it. Not only through her kind words towards others, but through the simple act of giving a warm coat to a less fortunate child, did she display her kindness. The old phrase actions speak louder than words comes to mind. A famous phrase for sure, and it definitely rings with truth. Our actions do visibly speak loudly to those around us. But I think it goes deeper than that. Actions display follow through. If we say we’ll do something and we don’t, it displays a lack of character within us. Equally, we can say we’ll do something and then follow through. These are important, yet superficial examples of the phrase. It shows integrity, an important trait to have and be known for. With Martha however, she displayed something deeper. She lived her words. The story tells how people shared stories of the countless ways Martha encouraged others with kind words and thoughtful deeds. She spoke her truth, displayed her kindness through her words in all she did and backed it up through a practical and memorable act of kindness. Her legacy was kindness. In her words and deeds. They both spoke loud and clear about who Martha was and people loved and remembered her for it. They cherished and honoured her legacy of kindness. More than a coat It’s so much more than the coats. Anyone can donate a coat. I have. I’ve had a clear-out and donated many items to charity that I no longer use, require, need, or like. But with Martha, it was so much more than just a coat. My donations were faceless. I didn’t know the people I would be helping, who would wear my old coat, or whom the money from its sale would help. There was a detachment. Martha knew exactly whom she served. She saw their faces every day, saw their need, and responded. A coat is so much more than just a coat. It’s empowerment, warmth, equality, freedom, opportunity, acceptance…I could go on. The coat, which kept a child warm, allowed them to step out their front door uninhibited and take on their future with confidence, not worrying about the myriad of problems they might face by the simple fact they didn’t have one. Martha saw all that and acted. Her kindness moved her to action. Of course, all giving, regardless of how we do it, is so important. I will continue to give to charity shops so that people can be helped. But the challenge Martha poses through her life well-lived is the need for something deeper, more meaningful, that allows us to display a deep kindness that I believe we’re all capable of if given the opportunity. We can change the world through little acts of random, and not so random, kindness. What will your legacy be? What do you want to be remembered for? There are many wonderful things in our lives that we will undoubtedly be remembered for, things that make us unique, special, and brilliant. But I challenge you, as I have been challenged myself, to evaluate your life and see just how much we think about those around us. Leaving a legacy of kindness requires us to think outside of ourselves and not only observe the needs of others, but respond. Respond through uplifting words of kindness that will show our heart and that display empathy. But then also through our actions. Actions that back up and display what we say, that impacts people and makes a difference. We don’t need to be Martha. We need to be us and discover ways that we can serve, ways that we can show kindness, not only to our closest family and friends but also to our neighbour and stranger. What will our legacy be? A legacy of kindness? I hope so! P.S This month’s life change course is all about how to master your emotions. Is it possible? I’m here to tell you that it is. This course will walk you through step by step how to master your emotions, where they come from, and how to become master of them. https://www.thebattlesweallface.com/product/master-your-emotions/
Read MoreHow are you with endings? Good? Bad? Meh? The trouble is, whether we are okay with them or not, we cannot truly escape them. Life is full of beginnings and endings and how we learn to cope with them determines our successes and failures, our highs and lows…our life really. Many times we get to the end of something and we’re sad it’s over. I hate getting to the end of something delicious like my favourite crisps, or a wonderful book, or a fabulous day. So many things in life we’d love to keep on going because they bring us joy and delight, they fulfill a deep sense of belonging or satisfaction and we feel sad at their ending. Some endings are far harder to bear such as the death of a loved one. It’s like being flung into a deep chasm of hurt that seemingly has no bottom and you’re left falling, unsure of its end. But even this pain too, ends. We learn that finding good in endings is possible, even out of such pain and that new opportunity presents itself at the right time, in the right way, meaning that endings are not a finality. They are a beginning. In the thick of it At this moment in time, I’m experiencing an ending in my life. As a result of Covid, I’ve had to take redundancy because my part-time job is no longer viable. It’s been a bit of a long-drawn-out process because of the furlough scheme. I’ve basically known since October 2020 that I would be made redundant, which I initially expected to be at Christmas, but has now been extended a further six months to June. But the point is, that ending is finally here. The end has come. But how do I feel about it? Honestly, I’m not entirely sure yet. I’ve had plenty of time to process the inevitable end, but now that it’s actually here it feels a little strange. It’s an ending I’ve accepted – embraced really – recognising the possibilities and aware that the job was only a very small part of my life. And yet, there is still that forlorn feeling of an ending. A season has passed, so much relegated to memory and the past that had once been a part of my everyday routine. The knowledge of good services rendered, skills learned, and relationships forged. All done. It’s all in how you look at it! Like I said above, so many things have an ending. It’s unavoidable. But it doesn’t then follow that the ending is all bad. It’s up to us what we choose to focus on. For example, in Autumn the leaves of the trees all turn glorious shades of orange, yellow, and red. It’s a beautiful sight to behold. But essentially it marks the end of a season, a transition into another. You could mourn the end of summer, or think about the fact that the trees go through a cycle. They’re spent after their summer glory, they need to dig down deep and process all the goodness they have absorbed. The final hurrah of Autumn marks this change. But even this cannot last and the leaves fall to the ground to be trampled on and decay. But remember, this too serves a purpose. The leaves that fall create food for the tree and plants that surround them. Without this natural cycle, the spring plants wouldn’t be strong enough to come up each year. Little bugs and small animals wouldn’t have protection and warmth through the cold months. Every ending sparks a new beginning. Finding good in endings So too in life, we must seek the good in everything. Endings included. My ending with my job has opened up the opportunity to work with my husband in our business Mind, Body & Soul. It’s allowed me to get back into writing, something I’ve not done in years because time wouldn’t really permit it. It’s given me the chance to support John in new ways, to spend more time with him, to get to know the business better, and to rethink my priorities. This ending has created a new beginning in my life. Finding good in endings isn’t always easy. Like I said before, some endings are just so painful that it’s impossible to see the good right away. But eventually, we begin to come out of the pain and shafts of light clear a way forward and suddenly finding the good in endings gets easier. What you must remember is that the grieving process is part of the ending. You must allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, to embrace all that your ending encompasses. Don’t ignore it. You’ll only prolong the ending and leave it hanging on. Feel whatever it is you are feeling and then when you start to feel better, seek the good. Seek the new beginning. There always is one. We just need patience sometimes. Patience with ourselves and with our circumstances. I know I miss my Dad very much, even after 15 years since his passing, but I think more often about the good times we spent together. I do get sad at times, it’s only natural, but it passes and I can once again focus on the good times. Of course, I wish he was still with us, but I have to accept my reality and choose to focus on remembering him well. Make room If nothing ever ended how would we ever really appreciate the full value in it? If we don’t know what it’s like not to have it, we can’t look back with fondness, with love, and appreciation and realise just how wonderful it was while it lasted. Yes, we may miss it, but we learn to look with new eyes at what was. It’s also good to remember that when one door closes, a window opens somewhere else. By this, I mean that new opportunities, new experiences, new life can only happen when we make room for it. And that just because one chapter has ended, there will not be another. It may not be what you expected, but it could be more incredible than you ever dreamed. When we cling on desperately to something, be it a memory, an idea, a person, a job, that has either outgrown us, become stagnant, has passed on, we grind to a halt. Our life, which should progress forwards at a steady pace, slows and comes to a stop. We grip onto what we have known, what felt comfortable, safe, known, and refuse to let it go. Even if it’s already gone from us physically. The emotional grip we keep on things that are no longer ours, that have passed on, keeps us from progressing onto new experiences. We fail to make room for all the new and wonderful possibilities that are waiting for us because we cannot accept the end of something else. So stop trying to pry open that door that has closed, and take a peek out the window that opened up. The view may surprise you! New beginnings I encourage you, above all else, to embrace the seasons of your life with grace, with joy, and with hope. Some endings are unbearable, believe me, I know, but there is light beyond that darkness. Some endings require more time to process than others and we must learn to be patient with ourselves through that time. But above all, it is so important that we see these inevitable endings as a new beginning. Unexpected, maybe. Unplanned, for sure. But necessary. Our love for the people, places, and experiences we have around us can only deepen if we embrace the endings and forge ahead into new beginnings. Uncertainty will accompany you. But excitement, curiosity, hope, and joy will also be your companions when you embrace that new horizon. Finding good endings isn’t so difficult when you set your sights on the new beginnings.
Read MoreHave you ever reached that point in your life where you’re just ready for something new? Maybe you’re fed up with your job. Or maybe you’re in need of a creative outlet but aren’t sure where to begin. You might even already know what you want to start, but haven’t made it over that first hurdle – actually starting! I think everyone goes through times in their life where they get notions about taking up a sport, losing that weight, learning a new language, instrument, or skill. But how many of us actually follow through and see it to completion, never mind make a start? To start something new takes effort, time, commitment, perseverance, and dedication. It’s not easy. But the rewards are huge. We have to get over that ‘fear hurdle’, lose the limitations we put upon ourselves and embrace the possibilities. Here are 10 Tips to get you started on something new… 1. Face the Fear Fear is the number 1 roadblock to you starting something new. We are so afraid of what we don’t know, of what might happen, if we’ll embarrass ourselves, or if we might fail, that we never get across the start line. Fear is okay. It’s a natural response to the unknown. But we have to face the fear, not give into it! It’s important to figure out why you’re afraid; is it something within yourself, or is it external, be it a person or a situation? When you know what is driving the fear, you can find ways to overcome it. Try not to focus on the fear, but instead think about why you needn’t be afraid and give yourself positive affirmations about the ways you are going to succeed, improve your wellbeing, and up your happiness levels. You are so capable, you have so many skills already at your fingertips that you can draw on to help you along the way. Be brave and don’t let fear steal your dream! 2. Figure out the ‘why’ If you don’t clearly know why you’re wanting to start, you’re less likely to stick it than if you do know. Our underlying motivations play a huge part in the overall success rate of doing anything, so you must clearly know what they are before you begin. Positive motivations inspire and buoy you along, especially when things get tough. Wrong motivations will drain you and you will lose inspiration and motivation fast. Be clear on your reasons and stick to them throughout the process. 3. Be Realistic There’s nothing wrong with dreaming big! We should push ourselves to achieve great things and be our best self. But we also need to remember that they need to be achievable too. If we set ourselves an unrealistic goal we often never get started because deep down we know it’s not achievable and the levels of unattainable perfectionism within us will only stress us out. Work within your skill set and use those to dream big. Don’t aim to be a virtuoso soprano if you’re tone deaf. You’ll only disappoint yourself. Singing for your own enjoyment, however, regardless of ability, is always acceptable! Above all you must enjoy what you are setting out to do. If the task is so unattainable that it becomes stressful, a chore and just unenjoyable, you need to look for something else. 4. Begin! It’s important that you actually begin! In order to do that it’s often easier to break down what you need to achieve into small steps that are easily managed, that lay out an easy to follow plan of attack, and allow you to measure your success too. Don’t worry about the end product. That’s a way off yet and you can often feel dejected at certain points on your journey there. Keep yourself mindful of the present and complete the stage your at. Then you can think about step two. Don’t expect to find it easy all the time. Guaranteed it won’t be. What’s important however, is that you reflect on what went wrong, why that might be and then seek a different approach. There’s more than one road to the top so don’t be dismayed by failure. It’s what builds character and determination within us if we don’t let it beat us. 5. Prioritise! When setting out to achieve a new skill, goal, dream, it is important to remember that it will require a lot of your time. Nothing worth doing, and doing well, is easy. You have to prioritise it and make time to invest in it if you’re to realise it. It is therefore necessary to ask yourself if you have the time to give to your new goal. Is there time that you can set aside each day to commit to furthering this new skill? What needs to be moved around to accommodate it? Will other important aspects of your life suffer if you don’t create the right balance in your life? We all go through different stages of life and opportunities come along, but we must make sure that we prioritise what is most important, and use our time well. 6. Expect to put in the work Like I said before, you can’t expect to find it easy all the time. Learning, or beginning anything new, is difficult and requires hard work and commitment. We live in a world of instant gratification and so often people give up because they aren’t playing piano like Elton John within a month. It doesn’t work like that! New skills take time and patience and above all, hard work! No-one else is invested in your new project the way you are, so no-one will push you as hard as you can push yourself. If it’s something you really want, go for it. Make it happen. 7. Expect to be pretty average at first Further to what I said above, you’re not going to be playing at Carnegie Hall or competing in the Olympics anytime soon after starting. Skills, plans, dreams, take time to achieve and you will be pretty average to begin with. As a piano teacher I see it all the time with new students. They don’t realise the hard work and time it takes to build a skill up properly and get frustrated when they aren’t playing Mozart in week 4. Build up strong foundations and then keep building. Accept the good days and the bad ones, and that you will not get it right straight away. Celebrate the wins, learn from the failures and don’t expect too much from yourself early on. Give yourself time to establish yourself and find your feet. You’ll get there in the end. 8. There will be challenges! Expect challenges. Sometimes they will be external challenges that interfere with your progress: an unsupportive family member or friend, financial difficulty, a global pandemic. Others will be internal: illness, mental health, will-power, self-belief. Often the internal ones are harder to deal with as we’re battling with our self. When you hit these challenges, and you will, don’t treat them as unexpected. Accept how you feel, accept what is happening and seek a solution. It’s not a stop sign, it’s a road block that requires a diversion. Stop, breathe, evaluate the situation and make a plan forward. 9. You step out into the unknown When you make the conscious decision to start something new you are preparing yourself for a voyage into the unknown. Uncharted territories await you where you’ll leave behind the comfort of what you already know. Feelings, emotions, big decisions, difficulties, new joys – expect it all, good and bad. What’s important is the decision you’ve made to change a part of your life because you want it to look different from what it does now. You made that choice. You want change. So you must expect some discomfort as you accommodate the change, but also welcome the refreshing change that something new can bring too. 10. Get rid of the what ifs Doubt anesthetises dreams. We slowly suffocate our dream by numbing it with what ifs. What if I fail, what if I’m rubbish, what if there’s someone better than me, what if, what if, what if… So many songs have been left unsung because we’ve put our dreams to sleep with doubt. Instead turn those doubtful what ifs and turn them into positive ones. What if I succeed, what if I get really good, the doors it might open up to me. What if I meet new people and make new friends, what if I develop more new skills than I initially planned to. Whatever your doubts are, turn them on their head and create better ones. Ones that fill you up, boost your confidence, and set you on your new course. Go On! Start something new! How many times have you said to yourself ‘oh I’d love to be able to do that’? And then how many times have you followed that statement up with ‘but I’m not clever enough’? It may not be those exact words, but regardless of what you say to yourself, there are so many times in our lives when we limit our own potential by believing ourselves incapable. Sometimes it may be true that you admire a skill in others that you realistically know is beyond your abilities, but most of the time I bet that’s not true. You shouldn’t try to be someone else, you can only be you, but you can be inspired by others and their skill to better your own life. Take the first step. If there’s something that’s been niggling away at the back of your brain that you’d love to do, why not start by taking the first step today and make a plan. Just remember: Be as informed as you can at the start so you can set yourself realistic goals. You won’t know every step of the way at the beginning. You have to begin the journey to discover the way. Take that first step. Learn from the experiences you have. And then take another one. Soon you’ll be at the top! Any advice for starting something new? Leave it in the comments to inspire others to do the same.
Read MoreEver heard the phrase, do unto others as you would have them do unto you? It’s a principle taught to children in an effort to raise them as conscientious citizens. Whether the principle sticks or is reinforced is another matter. But it begs the question, do we? Do we treat others as we would wish to be treated? Do we consider their perspectives, their emotions, their worldview? Or do we impose what we know and believe upon them? So what is empathy then? If we are to be those conscientious people and live up to the Golden Rule stated above, we must discover how to treat others better. By being more empathetic. In contrast to the Golden Rule, George Bernard Shaw says, “Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you—they might have different tastes”. I understand why he would say this, but I think he misses the point. By treating others the way you would want to be, means practicing empathy. It means understanding another’s point of view, feeling what they feel, not standing in judgement, and supporting them without agenda. But also, it means understanding their tastes and accepting your differences. It’s about seeing what you have in common, not what sets you apart. Looking inwardly With this intention of becoming truly empathetic, we must first look to ourselves. If we are unwilling or lack the skills required to practice empathy, then it’s a futile task. It must of course be a conscious choice to live more empathetically and to seek to be better at it through practice. Seeking answers to the question what is empathy? and how it applies to you, will not only broaden the boundaries of your morality but improve the overall quality of your life. We have been brought up in a society that favours self-determination and a selfish attitude to life. However, new research shows that we are actually predisposed to a more empathetic nature. By thinking of others before yourself you create not only a happier and more fulfilling life for you but for those around you. The Baggage Activity Here’s an example of how a simple task can open our eyes to the feelings of others: Karen, a middle school teacher, created an activity to teach her students how to better understand one another. In “The Baggage Activity” students wrote down some of the emotional weights they were carrying. The notes were shared anonymously, giving the students insight into each other’s hardships, often with a tearful response from their peers. The classroom has since been filled with a deeper sense of mutual respect among the young teens, who now have a greater sense of empathy for one another. Taken from Our Daily Bread, written by Kirsten Holmberg Such a simple activity! But immensely powerful in how we can transform our attitudes, behaviour, and relationships with people when we take the time to understand how they might be feeling. Transformation happens when we open ourselves up to see another’s experience. When we look beyond our own vision and encounter another’s pain, fear, or hopes we begin to notice things we would otherwise have missed. Our concerns for people’s welfare broadens, we begin to ask better questions and in humility value others above [our]selves (Philippians 2:3). Our focus shifts from a preoccupation with our own needs, to those of others, by becoming invested in their well-being. We happily seek ways to help others flourish rather than jealously protecting what we believe we need to thrive. So what does empathy look like? Roman Krznaric is an Australian public philosopher and a founding faculty member of The School of Life in London. He wrote an article in the Greater Good Magazine in 2012 entitled, Six Habits of Highly Empathic People. Here’s what he says: …empathy doesn’t stop developing in childhood. We can nurture its growth throughout our lives—and we can use it as a radical force for social transformation. Research in sociology, psychology, history—and my own studies of empathic personalities over the past 10 years—reveals how we can make empathy an attitude and a part of our daily lives, and thus improve the lives of everyone around us. Let’s take a closer look at the ways we can become more empathetic. Habit 1: Cultivate curiosity about strangers Empathetic people are highly curious about the people they encounter daily. They are eager to chat with anyone they meet, not just to pass the time of day, but to genuinely make a connection and discover something unique about that person. The inquisitive nature we once had as children but is rarely found in adults is thriving within them. They find other people’s lives far more interesting than their own and are curious to learn about them. When we engage with people out with our usual social circle we broaden our understanding of people and how many differing worldviews there are in comparison to our own. Curiosity in others is no brief chat about the weather or the football scores. It seeks to know a person, what is going on in another’s head, to discover what makes them tick. Crucially, however, it is not an interrogation. Oral historian and American author Studs Terkel said, Don’t be an examiner, be the interested inquirer. Maybe it’s time to be more courageous! Challenge ourselves to be more curious, speak to people more readily, and have an outward-looking attitude. Habit 2: Challenge prejudices and discover commonalities Everyone is different. And yet we have far more in common than what divides us. The way we are raised, the belief systems we adhere to, our moral codes, the assumptions we make about others, the collective labels we apply to people, are all barriers to understanding and appreciating individuality. We must challenge our own preconceptions in order to know a person fully and look for what unites rather than what divides. I’m a avid watcher of cookery and travel programmes. Preferably combined. What I always notice, and the host always comments on, is the similarities between cultures. Finding a common ground, such as food, enables a level playing field for discussion and friendship to bloom. We may have varying beliefs and traditions, but we can learn from each other and respect our commonalities and well as our differences by being open-minded and willing to relate. Habit 3: Try another person’s life Experiential empathy is the practice of expanding your empathy by gaining direct experience of another person’s life. It has been described as more extreme and rewarding than most extreme sports! It also puts into practice the old Native American saying walk a mile in another man’s moccasins before you criticize him. Roman Krznaric gives an example of someone who did just this. Notable British author George Orwell, the writer of 1984 and Animal Farm, decided to expand his experience after serving as a police officer in Burma in the 1920s. He was intent on discovering what life was really like for people who would be considered as living on the fringes of society. He wrote I wanted to submerge myself, to get right down among the oppressed. And he did just that. Dressed in old, worn, and frayed clothing he lived among the homeless community in East London. The result was a drastic change in his views and opinions, beliefs, and relationships. He came to realise that homeless people cannot be pigeonholed as drunkards but made life-long friends among them. It was one of the greatest experiences of his life and he came to realise that empathy doesn’t just make you a good person, it is also good for you too. Habit 4: Listen hard—and open up When answering the question what is empathy? we must address the need for better communication. But not in the arbitrary sense of just talking to people, we must get better at being a good listener. It’s a vitally important characteristic of someone practicing empathy. When we are truly practicing empathy we listen hard to what people are actually saying, and not saying. It’s the ability and effort to see what isn’t necessarily being said out loud. To assess the emotional state of someone and grasp their immediate needs at that moment. For example, a friend may come to you and reveal some truly heart-breaking news. An empathetic listener wouldn’t just sit at a distance and condole with them, they would sense the brokenness and vulnerability of their friend, move closer to them, embrace them, sense they may need extra support to see them through. It’s seeing the bigger picture and knowing you can be a support to them in whatever way they need. This kind of openness and trust doesn’t just happen on its own, however. It is a dual carriageway of dialogue between friends that creates an environment where depth and sincerity can be found. We need to be vulnerable and reveal our soft inner core to establish bonds where empathy can be reciprocated. This can be difficult for some for various reasons. But the rewards of friendships and relationships with others are all the rewards you need. For more help and advice on relationships read my blog Close relationships and their incomparable value in our lives. Habit 5: Inspire mass action and social change Roman Krznaric writes, We typically assume empathy happens at the level of individuals, but HEPs [highly empathic people] understand that empathy can also be a mass phenomenon that brings about fundamental social change. Throughout history, there have been times where the collective outrage over a situation has enacted local, national, and global change. Just think back to the 1800s when the Slave Trade was finally abolished, not by appealing to people’s religious or political views, but by appealing to their hearts. The abolitionists exposed the very real suffering of a people and challenged the morality surrounding it. That it should never have occurred and could not be allowed to continue. Recently in time, we have seen the global reactions to natural disasters that have devastated communities around the world, be it earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunami, hurricanes, or flooding. Social media and the immediacy of our news outlets means we can respond quickly and send aid to people in dire need. Crowdfunding has become widespread for people who are seeking rare and expensive treatment, or for people just wanting to do a good turn by someone. Empathic people will always find a way to show their care for their fellow, be it human, animal or plant. Empathy has no borders and no limits. We just have to open our eyes to the world around us and decide if we like what we see. If not, we can be the change we want to see. And it all starts with a little empathy. Habit 6: Develop an ambitious imagination Being truly empathetic isn’t limited to people we know, those in obvious trouble, or those we deem to be on the fringes of society. Empathy requires us to broaden our view and listen to people with whom we might naturally clash. We are not all the same, each having different life experiences and knowledge and so cannot agree on all things. We can however try to understand one another by being open to hearing opposing views and come to manageable outcomes for both sides. People on opposing sides of an argument can shout and scream at each other all day and break no new ground because they are not seeking to listen or understand the opposing view. When we sit down and talk and hear the reasons for and against, we can strategise and make better progress together for change. It leads to social tolerance, accepting the differences in others, and agreeing to live and let live. The 20th century was the Age of Introspection, when self-help and therapy culture encouraged us to believe that the best way to understand who we are and how to live was to look inside ourselves. But it left us gazing at our own navels….
Read MoreEver heard the phrase seeing is believing? I’d be surprised if you hadn’t. It’s one of those idioms that’s flourished about as though it’s gospel and everyone and their granny believes in its truth. I’m not so sure though. Fundamentally it’s a flawed statement, and in fact, it’s not even complete. The full phrase was supposedly said by a 17th-century English clergyman named Thomas Fuller. The full quote says, “Seeing is believing, but feeling is the truth.” The preposition but cancels out the solidity of the first part of the phrase. This suggests that believing what you see, does not make it true. For many folks who firmly believe that seeing is believing, I thought it would be an interesting one to unpack. The second part of the phrase isn’t widely known and yet suggests a flaw in the first part. But feeling is the truth…so what we see isn’t the truth? The truth is something deeper, something we feel or know more acutely than what we see before our eyes. Seeing is believing…let’s see, shall we?! Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin was the first man to enter space on 12 April 1961. He completed one cycle around the Earth before entering Earth’s atmosphere and parachuting into land in the Russian countryside. He was spotted by a farm woman who saw his bright orange spacesuit standing out in the distance, his helmet still in place and dragging his heavy parachutes behind him. Startled, she asked, “Can it be that you have come from outer space?” To which Yuri replied, “As a matter of fact, I have.” The reason I mention this little story, so small and humorous in comparison to the incredible feat that Yuri had just achieved in being the first man to view the Earth from space, is this; the simple brilliance of the effort was twisted by Russian propaganda. What people saw on their T.V sets and the images and audio sent back from the historic mission, were overshadowed by antireligious propaganda. Their premier declared, “Gagarin went into space, but he didn’t see any god there.” Gagarin never uttered these words himself, but the truth of the mission, the purpose of it, was taken and manipulated to suit what the government wanted its people to believe. What they saw, and what they ended up believing about the mission were two different things, all because of the associated message. My point? What we see isn’t always what we end up believing. There are so many factors in play when it comes to deciding what to believe or not. Sometimes it’s easier to decipher the truth because it is plain and clear. Other times it can be harder. For the Russian people at that time, who were under Communist rule, all their information was censored and twisted to meet the ideals of the Communist Party. In such a situation, how is anyone to know what is the truth. You believe what is put before you, whether it’s the truth or not. C.S. Lewis wrote in observation of the propaganda; “Those who do not find [God] on earth are unlikely to find Him in space.” His meaning here is plain; we choose to believe what we want to believe, not based upon what we see. It is more to do with that feeling that Thomas Fuller mentioned. Oswald Chambers says it another way; “Seeing is never believing. We interpret what we see in the light of what we believe.” Basically, everything we see is filtered through a lens of what we already believe to be true. If that lens is warped by government propaganda then it will affect what we believe to be true. This is also true for what we see in the media, in our western civilisation. Just because we don’t live in a dictatorship doesn’t mean everything we see in the news and on social media is true. There is so much fake news out there and the news outlets will be twisting the news they deliver based upon what they believe to be true, their political agenda, what the government wants us to know and believe, compared to the whole truth. It makes you stop and think! You can’t just drink up what you see in the media, or what someone tells you as true. We have to do our own research, compare facts and then make sensible decisions that are best for us. But more so, there must be something deeper within us that helps us to decide what to believe. It’s that feeling again! It’s basic biology When I was looking into the notion of seeing is believing, I didn’t expect to come across a biological rebuttal. And yet I did and it was a wonderful way to physically describe what so many other people say from a philosophical or phycological standpoint. Here it is: “We’re eye doctors.” “What’s something about the eye that most people don’t realize?” “The eye doesn’t see. The brain sees. The eye just transmits. So what we see isn’t only determined by what comes through the eyes. What we see is affected by our memories, our feelings, and by what we’ve seen before.” Brandon Stanton There’s that feeling again! Given in a more general term, our feelings are anything that is stored in our brains that is separate from what we are seeing with our eyes. Our memories, experiences, emotions, truths that we’ve come by through careful study and analysis, through relationships, trust, trials…through life. What we see is transmitted into our brains and interpreted based upon what we already know. A change of heart This doesn’t mean that our minds cannot ever be changed. The term a change of heart is another phrase that is often used and expresses the ability to change one’s mind based upon a change in circumstance, value, or belief. But it suggests something deeper than simply changing our mind based upon what we see. A true change of heart is not flippant and arbitrary. It isn’t changing your mind at the flip of a coin. It is something more profound that has altered how we see the world around us, that has tugged at our conscience, our belief structures and caused us to question our reality. A deeper feeling that is so much more than simply what we see. By faith and not by sight When we live by faith, we are doing the opposite of living by sight. We are choosing to believe in something before we see it, whether through a feeling we have or a set of beliefs that we have established through experience. Faith is the act of trusting in what you know to be true, not from what you see externally. For example, all around you, there may be chaos, your eyes tell you that it will only get worse, that there’s no way to control it, that there is nothing immediately within your grasp that you can use to create peace. Faith is the deep-seated knowledge that you can problem solve your way out of the situation, that the chaos will pass, that you can learn and grow from the experience, and that it will work out in the end. It’s also the knowledge that you are not in control, that there is someone or something else that keeps things moving and affects the outcomes around us. Faith creates hope. Sight creates fear. Faith is also one of those things which requires an element of trust. You can’t physically see an outcome, or for many, God, but you trust by your experiences, your knowledge, the feeling that you have, that they are real, that things will work out how they are meant to. For many, this is a step too far. The lack of immediate control, the absence of a visible manifestation of a deity before them, means that they cannot believe something or someone to be true, and that to trust in something unseen is foolish. “Spiritual skepticism is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will not witness that which you do not believe to be real. One cannot expect to have profound personal experiences of something you’re convinced does not exist.” Anthon St. Maarten We set ourselves up for disappointment when we hold to the seeing is believing adage. It actually makes us very close-minded because you choose to limit the possibilities of truth, you develop prejudices, your heart and mind become closed to infinite knowledge and exploration, whether you believe in a God or not. If you’ve already decided something isn’t real, based upon your limited experience; if you haven’t explored the possibilities of truth and knowledge; when you are not open to experience things beyond what you can physically see, then are you really seeing at all? Open your eyes Open your eyes and question what you see before you, examine what you believe and why, be careful who you listen to and where you get your beliefs from. Seeing is not believing. Seeing allows us to view the physical world and make up our own minds about what we choose to believe, and what not to believe. It’s our minds, our hearts and our faith that determines what we truly believe through careful examination, deep thought and an honest conviction.
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